I am 1 in 4

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage.  Many of these miscarriages happen before a woman even knows she’s pregnant.  I am breaking the silence, I am 1 in 4.

I don’t speak of them often, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think of them.  In fact I think of them more than I like to admit, even to myself.   I had three miscarriages, in a row.

I have hesitated writing this because I felt like it didn’t belong on a postpartum doula site.  This is supposed to be a joyous time for you, and this post may fill you with sadness and maybe a little fear.   The truth is, this has been on my heart for a while.  I haven’t wanted to share something so personal with the world.  I don’t like to be reminded of those dark days.  Those were dark days.  I was angry, I was hurt, I felt a sense of shame, and of guilt.  Then one of my close friends suffered her own loss.  Then later, I came across the article on Mark Zuckerberg. I found a weird sense of relief reading his article about their loss.  I suddenly felt a new sense of shame, a shame for not sharing with others what I had gone through. Why is it we are so secret about such pain?  Why do we keep these things to ourselves?  1 in 4 go through this experience, and we do it alone, because that’s what we think we should do.

It’s been almost seven years since my last miscarriage.  Today, I found myself still searching for answers when I came across some new information.  I thought, was that why I lost my  pregnancies.  I was surprised to find that thought lingering there in the dark.  Where did that come from?  I thought I had found peace after all these years.  I thought I had moved on.  After all I was able to go on to have two more healthy babies.  Why do I still seek to know the reason?

I share this to break the silence.  I share this to bring forth a subject that so many are dealing with but for some reason it’s a cause of shame.  It’s a cause of guilt.  Many miscarriages happen with no reason, you never find out the cause, or if there was even a cause.  It’s hard to process if you’ve never been through one.  It’s  amazing how much you can plan in such a short time.  I already had names for two of my angels.  I had half of their life planned out in my head, and I lost all three of mine very early in the pregnancy.  I remember thinking I didn’t have the right to grieve.  I had just found out I was pregnant.  I hadn’t even had a sonograms, I hadn’t seen their precious little fingers, I hadn’t even felt the little tiny butterflies you feel in the early movements.  Somehow just knowing they were there, I had in fact held them already.  They had touched my heart already.  My precious angels.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, and I find myself wondering, where did that thought come from?  Sometimes it will sneak in while watching the two blessings I received after my miscarriages.  I will find myself thinking what if all my pregnancies had come to full term.   God has blessed me.  After going through three consecutive miscarriages, I was able to have two healthy, full term baby boys.

I break the silence today, because seven years later, I found myself still struggling with the unanswered questions.  My losses have helped me be there for others who are going through the same thing.  They have given me a new pair of eyes.  I see things through a set of glasses not everyone has worn.  Miscarriage is hard, no matter how far along. I have been there, I know.   You feel betrayed, you feel shame, you feel guilt.  No one talks about this.  For some reason we sit alone in a corner, mourning by ourselves.  Woman carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.  We feel the need to justify our thoughts, our feelings.  We need permission to hurt, we need permission to grieve.  I am here to give you that permission.

If you are reading this and have dealt with such pain, stop judging yourself.  You have the right to mourn.  You have the right to feel what you feel.  Don’t feel shame, you are not alone.  We may never know why these things happen.  We don’t have to know.  Lean not on your own understanding, trust in the Lord with all your heart.

I am breaking the silence today to share with you that it doesn’t mean you won’t go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy.   Yes it will be scary, but you can do it.  The first pregnancy after your miscarriage you may worry about every twinge, every  movement or lack there of.  This too is alright, and even somewhat normal.  I was high risk after three consecutive pregnancies, but I prevailed.  I have two beautiful precious babies after miscarriages to prove it.  I am not alone, and you are not alone.  I am 1 in 4 and I am breaking the silence.